Your Shower, My Shower

September 29, 2011

I suspect that taking a shower is a little different for you and me.

You: Turn on water.
Me: It’s not that simple. My shower springs from the wall next to the toilet. So, I close the lid to the toilet before I turn on the water. I also take the bath mat off the wall, where I have stuck it to dry. Since the shower sprays the entire toilet area, I have to take the toilet paper roll off the washing machine (which is next to the toilet) and put it up on a high shelf where it won’t get soaked. I then take the shampoo and soap off the shelf and put it on the washing machine, so I won’t get the toilet paper all wet when I reach for them. I also have to remove the cover over the drain, because it drains too slow and has the potential of flooding out of the bathroom and into the rest of the apartment. And I also have to put the used toilet paper bin up on the washer, too. Most places in China do not have a sewer system that can handle toilet paper, therefore it goes into a trashcan next to the toilet (are you saying “Eww” yet?)

You: Take off clothes.
Me: I take off my clothes and throw them into the other room, because there is nowhere in my shower/toilet room where they won’t get wet.

You: Enter shower and adjust water temperature.
Me: Ha! My shower only has an on-off faucet handle. There is no hot water knob and cold water knob. It all comes from straight from the hot water heater. So, if the water is too hot or too cold I have to adjust the hot water heater….which has three knobs and the settings are all in Chinese. I don’t know what knob does what, I just have to use trial and error. Oh, and did I mention the hot water heater is in the kitchen. So if I need to turn it up, I have to run out of the shower nekkid and into the kitchen, dripping wet to adjust it. Having the hot water heater in the kitchen would make sense if my kitchen sink had hot water, but it doesn’t and I wash my dishes in cold water. Confused yet? Well, just stop trying to think logically. Logic rarely works in China, so just abandon it.

You: Lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: Lather, rinse. Chances are the water is the wrong temperature, so my showers are usually extremely short.

You: Get out of shower and towel dry.
Me: I open the bathroom door to grab a towel from the dry zone. I towel off and use the towel as a turban (all females are required by their genetic makeup to do this). Then undo all the things I did before: toilet open, toilet paper replaced, shampoo replaced, bin placed back next to toilet and bath mat stuck on the wall. Only there is still a huge puddle on the floor about an inch deep, which will never drain by itself. The lowest point in the room is in the absolute middle, but the drain is up against the wall. Whoever tiled the room did not take much pride in their job. So, I get the mop and push as much water as I can over to the drain. When that stops working I soak up the water with the mop and squeeze it out into the sink. But I can’t stop there, or a small puddle will very slowly form next to the toilet and I will step in it and get my slippers soaked. So I have a large window squeegie and get more of the water over to the drain. But since the tiles are really uneven and the squeegie doesn’t fit in next to the toilet or washing machine, I do a little towel skating around the room. That usually does the trick.

You: Continue with grooming.
Me: Lie down on couch and take a little nap.

Oh, well, I got it down to a science now. It only took me six months to figure it all out, but I have a system in place that works most of the time. But, if I forget to do any one of those steps there is usually some cursing involved.